a certain neighbor is home. she’s only home for a week every couple months. she seems like a really interesting person and i’d like to get to know her a lot more. i think about her frequently. i guess i fantasize that we’re friends and chummy.

so today she was home. she asked me how things were. so i told her. and i was on the virge of telling why things are the way they are, when a chum of her came over. they hugged and started talking. i slowly stepped backwards. i excused myself and left.

i felt very.. not there.

it’s okay, really. my situation at this place benefits those already here and staying, and does nothing for me.

off to secret-dinner.

oh, i walked both to and from the train station today. i passed by dead-kitty (speaking of hypens) and i decided that if anything weird happens in that area, i’ll say it’s the will of dead-kitty.

as of today, i’ve paid off my largest credit card. i feel accomplished.

this morning i was going through the morning’s san francisco chronicle when i came to the obituary section. one photo caught my attention, it was well composed and executed. i read the entry.

the gentleman died in a car accident in half moon bay. he was known for developing quality control standards for disk drives. he earned his Ph.D. in experimental psychology. and he was a photographer for over four decades, experimenting with photographic chemistry and the instant production of colour.

from the obituary: “[he] believed that photographs are meant to be, simply, instances of personal experience. they are brief vignettes of vision that are not meant to be didactic or symbolic. they are interesting because they are someone else’s view. he likened an exhibition of his work to the brief vignettes in hemingway’s in our time – seemingly unconnected and varied, the only unifying factor being the experience of their creator.”

today on my train ride down the peninsula to work, i saw a man in his forties fixing his breakfast — coffee, yogurt, and granola. as he opened the yogurt, he licked the underside of the lid clean. you know, the containers always get jostled and the lid has a layer of precious yogurt on it. can’t let it go to waste, and all.

this middle aged man doing something i did in highschool (because my mom had long since stopped making home-made yogurt by then) reminded me that i’m entering my middle years.

i’ve been thinking about stuff like retirement and finances (both good: i just payed off one of my credit cards!, and bad: why don’t i have any decent liquid assets?). my friend boman has got me thinking, what am i doing with my life? the older i get, the more annoyed i get with younger people. i still maintain some of my childhood traits, like fingernail biting and getting cranky when i’m hungry. while my friend tim went through this early (a “quarter-life crisis”), i think this is the new me.

follow the wind song
follow the thunder
follow the neon in young lovers’ eyes

down to the gutter
up to the glitter
into the city
where the truth lies

where do i go
follow my heartbeat
where do i go
follow my hand

where will they lead me
and will I ever
discover why i live and die

– “where do i go” from the musical hair

when i’m by myself in san francisco in the evening, there’s only one place i go for dinner. it’s a nice restaurant, pretty consistent and not too expensive. pretty much none of my friends really like the place, so it’s not often that i get to go there.. but when i’m on my own, that’s where i go. i start with a glass of wine, and take my time eating. i nearly always order the same dish when i go. it feels good to me, to do something familiar in a place that’s familiar. it’s where i go to just let my mind wander. and it’s all mine.

blog entry #504!

today i attended sun’s solaris 10 boot camp. it was presented by mister benchmark, benoit chaffanjon. he was a good speaker with a good sense of humor. he reminds me of my french neighbor, vincent. half the presentation was done at the command line of his toshiba laptop, running solaris 10. i came away with a dvd install disc and 13 pages of notes. and now i want to run it everwhere.

when i took most of my important photo gear to my mom’s house for safekeeping, i should have sent the shutters off to my cleaned and adjusted. they’re all pretty off from each other.

ok, i made the mistake of answering a page and email from work. a website is down. i login and i can access it fine. this is what i get, i guess. the email doesn’t specify a time or method of access, so it’s hard to tell what (if anything) was wrong. if i didn’t need this damned job to make a living i’d work in a video store or library.